Missed Miscarriage: We are the 1 in 4.

 Missed Miscarriage: We are the 1-5% of people who experience this journey 

Welcome to Himmat Collective, a place for the Punjabi Community to share their story around fertility and loss. We believe that everyone's journey is different, but we can all connect somehow.

Todays post is from myself, Sarina and this is my story of our Baby Dinosaur. My Angel above, my brightest star in the sky. The one that changed my world, the one who made me a Mum.

I met my husband in 2015, and we have been married since 2017. We always planned to travel before starting a family, and at 24 years old, we thought we had time. Time to spend together before starting a family, because in our minds, when we decided we wanted children, it would just happen. I feel like that's how you are brought up because fertility struggles, miscarriage and baby loss is just not talked about in the Punjabi community. Its not one of those topics that you sit down to talk about over a cup of tea. Its hidden, locked away in this cupboard of shame and judgement.

After travelling the most part of the world, COVID hit, and we decided that we would start trying for a family. There couldn't have been a better time! We were in lockdown, spending time together and if we did get pregnant, it was the perfect time to get that much needed rest in the first trimester that everyone warned us about!

It took us around 7 months to conceive, but I could never forget the date we found out about our Baby Dinosaur. 12th November 2020, 4 years to the day my husband Vik asked me to marry him, we got the best news of our life. We finally saw those 2 lines. Excitement set in, my body now carried life & our lives were set to change. This couple was about to become a 3. Another test the following morning confirmed this & we finally saw the word we had been waiting for. I was pregnant. 

Those first few weeks were amazing, we were extra careful but slowly the worry started to set in and at 5 and a half weeks, I had some bleeding. Fear set in for the life that was growing inside me, it was a fear I had never experienced before, but a trip to the hospital confirmed that we were okay. I was told it was a bit of delayed implantation bleeding and the worry started to settle. It was then I got to see a tiny human with a flutter of a heartbeat, that would change my life. My world now revolved around this tiny heart inside me, and I knew I needed to protect him or her. Vik couldn't be with me because of COVID, but knowing we were okay was enough.

Christmas came & went that year, our excitement was directed elsewhere, and we dreamt of how the following year would be different, a baby would be here & we all talked of the things we would do to make the first Christmas the most perfect. 

Soon after, on the 28th December 2020, our world came crashing down around us. From feeling excitement, love & happiness, the clouds around us turned dark and heartbreak set in. It was a snowy morning and we got ourselves ready to hear our baby’s heartbeat. 10 weeks and 5 days had passed since we saw those 2 lines we had waited almost a year for. We sat in the waiting room, excited, looking at those heartbeat teddies & promised ourselves that once we heard that beautiful heart beating, we would get one to show our baby what their heart sounded like at 10 weeks old. After waiting for what felt like a lifetime, it was our turn. We walked into that room, ready to hear our future but it wasn’t meant to be. After scanning me, silence filled the room, the nurse asked if she could do an internal scan and my heart sank. From that moment I knew something was wrong. 

She asked me how far along I was and I replied with 10 and a half weeks. I asked if something was wrong & the heartbreaking news came. “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” Silence, darkness and broken hearts filled the room & I felt as if my world had been pulled from under me; the silent tears began. I never knew that 6 words could punch you in the heart so fiercely. People often talk about loss and say that when they lose someone they love, they can literally feel their heart breaking. I never believed this until this moment. Looking across at Vik, I felt like a failure and my heart broke again. Today was meant to be perfect for him, but I couldn’t carry this life for longer than 7 weeks, my body just stopped. With no explanation as to why. I apologised to him because guilt set in & questions of doubt overwhelmed me. I never understood why I immediately felt this way but on reflection, I think it was a feeling of expectation. In the Punjabi community, I feel that expectations are constant in a Punjabi woman's life. The expectation to be a good daughter, a good wife, the expectation to be a good daughter in law, and the expectation to create a family. But I failed at this, and that's why my immediate reaction was to apologise.

Back in the ultrasound room, my brain began to run 100mph. Was it something I did? Maybe we shouldn’t have gone Christmas shopping? I was running around making sure all the gifts were bought. Maybe I got too stressed about work? Questions filled my head and I just went blank. I silently got dressed while the tears continued and I sat in Vik's arms, tears filling my soul, I sobbed uncontrollably. He was my complete strength in that very moment, a moment only we shared, a moment I will never forget. Without him, I don’t know how I would have managed to walk through that clinic surrounded by other pregnant women. That moment bought us incredibly closer, the loss of a piece of us both pulled our hearts together and as if they weren’t already aligned, they definitely were now. 

To the women that have to hear those heart crushing 6 words, I feel your pain. To hear the words “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat” makes you feel like your entire future has been taken from you in mere seconds. You feel your heart break like you’ve never felt before because a body that once held life now holds death. 

The rest of that week, I felt numb. Vik, being incredibly strong, broke the news to our family and the small number of friends we told. Mom, being the strong, courageous women she is replayed her own experience, physically and mentally helping me through this torture. Between them, they dealt with the calls, texts and everything that goes along with it. I knew that our families and friends were trying their hardest to be there for us, but it was all so very new for them too. I cried, for what felt like weeks. Nothing prepares you for loss that you didn’t expect, and somehow it’s different to losing someone you’ve known in your life, in human form. Because this loss raises the what ifs & the never ending wonder of what our baby would have been like. No explanation, no reason our baby left us except that there must have been an ‘incompatibility with life’. What does that mean? At that moment, it’s just not enough. Grief and anger take over your being, until you are left with no choice but to accept that it’s God's will.

Following a trip to our local hospital for them to tell me what I already knew, they sent me home and told me to wait for everything to pass. Those were the longest 5 days of my life. I hid out in my room, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone. As if the mental pain wasn't enough already, the physical side of this miscarriage was just beginning. I thought I was mentally prepared but in reality, I had no idea what I was about to face. My body finally recognised the truth and accepted it, but for some reason, my body still held on to a life that once lived inside of me. It refused to let go. So after a few hours of being in the hospital, we were asked to come back the next day to medically manage the process of giving birth to a baby we wouldn’t be able to take home. We painfully packed my bags to go in, and I was armed with things to keep my mind occupied. 

After getting to the hospital I was shown to my room and told to make myself comfortable. The nurse went through the process once more and I agreed I was happy to continue. But was I really happy to continue? An odd choice of words. Next came the most invasive and painful 2 days of my life. It was lonely, mentally and physically traumatic & when I needed my strength the most, he couldn’t be there due to COVID. Endless FaceTime calls and phone calls with tears would just have to suffice. 

The first 4 pessaries were inserted, I was told this was to dilate my cervix, but I was so confused. Our baby wasn’t ready to be born so why was I being treated as if I was in labour? Knowing you have to go through labour but without having a child to bring home is the most heartbreaking process your body has to go through. And no matter how early your loss is, your body feels all the same processes. After 2 hours and a lot of sleep, nothing had started. So the next dose was given at 2pm, and another at 4pm. Finally the last round of medication was given at 6pm in the hope that my body would finally let go.

The next thing that I remember was feeling a pop down below and the strangest sensation. I can only imagine this is how it feels when your waters break and you know your child is ready to come into this world. But ours wasn’t. So the bleeding began. And surprisingly it was painful but manageable. I thought then that I could do this and although uncomfortable, I could get through it. This lasted for 4 hours until then I felt pain like no other. Lower abdominal pain took over my body and an urge to go to the toilet came over me. At this moment, I had the worst experience of my life. I just remember bleeding profusely and a nurse trying to reassure me that it was okay. A stark contrast to how I imagined it would be once our Dinosaur was ready to come to us. My legs turned to jelly and feeling faint took over my soul. I pulled the cord and nurses rushed in. I think I had passed our baby but everything felt like a blur and I got back to my bed when a nurse rushed in and told me the doctor was coming because of how much blood I had lost. I called Vik, it must have been 2am by now and I was terrified, anxious with a million questions running through my head. My body couldn’t take any more. The night was spent in agony, the doctor telling me he had to get out as much tissue as he could and there was a possibility I needed to go to theatre. I just remember feeling someone tugging at my insides below. Fear, loss, grief, anxiety, and overwhelming emotions controlled my mind and body. Sleep escaped me & I longed for Viks arms that would wrap my soul up & take the pain away. I prayed to God to keep me safe that night & he didn’t fail me. 

Thankfully, the bleeding had slowed and after seeing the doctor I could finally go home. I was so thankful I could just get out of this hospital. My body however was exhausted, traumatised from losing that amount of blood and giving birth to an angel baby that we could not keep. I birthed our Baby Dinosaur with love & hoped that the Angels would keep them safe in their arms until we could be together again. The one solace in giving our Baby Dinosaur to the angels, was knowing there was an abundance of love up there for me & Vik, in the form of our grandparents, great grandparents & uncles, so our beautiful angel would never go without that love & safety we had the pleasure of feeling. We somehow knew our little Dinosaur was safe in their arms. 

Seeing Vik the day it was all over gave me the strength to leave that hospital without our baby. I remember him waiting outside of the door to the ward because of COVID and once I saw him I just wanted to collapse in his arms. He held me in his arms and kept me safe just like I needed at that very moment. He brought me home and washed away the trauma, helping to bring me back to life in those moments. His strength through our loss has been beyond compare and made me fall in love with him so much more deeper. Grief and pain brought us closer together but the healing is a new journey that we are on. The journey of navigating life after loss is a different one, and going through loss really does change you.

So to all the women that are scared & have to go through this, remember you are not alone. My door will always be open to you for advice, love & healing. Through the incredible support network myself and Vik have, we have made it. You all know who you are and without you, we couldn’t have done it. We are so very blessed to have these wonderful souls in our lives & on the other side to now take care of our Angel Dinosaur.

To our darling Baby Dinosaur, keep shining your light in the sky because we will forever celebrate your short life with us. You were loved more than our love combined & held for 10 weeks that changed our lives. You will forever be our star in the sky, you will forever be the light of our lives. Because in your short life, you made us parents for the first time. And nothing can take that away from us. So, all of this, everything we do is for you. Breaking down the stigma, opening up these conversations, is all for you. You taught us lessons that no one else ever could. You made us stronger than we ever thought possible. And you are still helping us to break down those barriers. You were ours & we were yours. Now, forever, always & never a day less.