Punjabi Mothers and their sons, hey?

Punjabi Mothers and their sons, hey?

Welcome to Himmat Collective, a place for the Punjabi Community to share their story around fertility and loss. We believe that everyone's journey is different, but we can all connect somehow.

Today's blog post is anonymous, and below we explore the powerful truth of how some Punjabi in laws can behave following loss.

"After 24 weeks of having my baby in my womb, 16 weeks of being aware she was there and 3 weeks of feeling her moving, we came home from the hospital without my baby girl.

Yes, the pain of not having her and holding her was unbearable.

Yes, I miss her and think of her every day.

But somehow with understanding and love, I am now able to think of her and smile. I know that what happened could not have been helped, I know that there was nobody that could have controlled or helped the situation I was in. To my baby girl, I miss you and I love you always.

However, what I have not been able to let go of, is the pain that I then endured at the hands of those that should have been looking after me; all because of the culture I was raised in.

I am a Sikh and Punjabi and I lived with my very typical Punjabi in-laws. Following our return home from the hospital without my baby girl, I went to my room to rest. I could hear my husband, the son of Punjabi parents that had taught him it was weak to show and feel emotion, and that it was easier to brush things under the carpet, laughing with his sisters and entertaining guests within minutes of getting back. I thought it was just his way of grieving. We didn't talk about it, and then he wanted to go to the pub. We ended that day in a fight, and with me feeling the loneliest I had ever felt.

My mother-in-law had then decided what was best for me. She had decided that she wanted me to stay indoors for 40 days under her care. I wasn't 'allowed' to go home and be with my family. All I wanted was my family to hold me, to allow me to breathe, process and grieve, but I was forbidden and my husband let it happen.

My parents and brother came to see me at the house, but they were not allowed to see me alone. My family were not "allowed" to come "upstairs" where I was resting so I came down where my husband's family proceeded to sit and watch me with my parents. Did I get the hug from my dad that I yearned for, or the reassurance from my mum that my heart was crying out for? No, I didn't, because my in-laws sat and watched me. I sat there and watched my parents' hearts break and after everything that was happening, even in that moment, my in-laws exerted their authority over me. My husband once again let it happen.

As my body began to recognise that I was no longer pregnant, my breasts began lactating for the baby I was never going to get the chance to feed. I sat and cried with so many different emotions. It was an array of physical pain, emotional pain, and not knowing how to make it stop. It wasn't something that could go through with my mother-in-law. I asked my husband to help, but I just felt like a burden. I needed my Mum! My husband once again just let it happen.

I was off work as I was advised by the Medical team to rest for 4 weeks before going back on my feet at work. My husband was told by his mother he didn't need to take some time off to look after his wife, the mother of his child. So, I was left at the house with my mother-in-law. She was a strange character; she would say and do inappropriate things and she was the cause of my anxiety and depression ever since moving in.

One day I had a bereavement counsellor come to the house to visit and make sure I was doing ok. We sat in the front room, we talked openly until I looked up and saw that my mother-in-law had opened the patio door which joined the front room and kitchen and was sitting there listening. There I was again alone! I didn't feel safe even in my thoughts. My husband just let it happen.

Seven days in I was told I needed to get back to normal. I was sat down by my in-laws and "told off", I was told I should not cry because it would harm me. I said I couldn't help it; it was just happening .... and right then my mother-in-law embraced me and said.... "you can't be as sad as me, I lost my grandchild".

I couldn't believe my pain could just be dismissed and this had become about her! I still consoled her of course, but again I knew I was alone.

I was TOLD what happened to us was because we told one of the aunties too soon.

I was TOLD that I had to keep what had happened a secret.

I was always just TOLD.

Nobody asked, I was just TOLD.

It had been 14days of not leaving the house. There had been a death in the family and all of my in-laws (including the sibling) would be going to the funeral. So, I asked my husband if I could go to my mums so that I wasn't alone for the day. He agreed and he dropped me there. This was a big mistake; I came back that evening to a very icy atmosphere at home, so I went to my room. As soon as my door closed it started. My mother-in-law started shouting at the top of her voice about how her son had disobeyed her, her son didn't respect her or her opinion, that I was blinding him to get my way and that nobody cared about her!

The next morning, I called my manager and begged to come back to work early. I ended up going back to work 10 days early.

I understand that for some of you reading this it will seem like it's not a big deal, and this will be known as “it's just an Indian household”. But for me the concept of "when you get married, you marry the family" went too far.

I had no idea what I was meant to process first; the passing of my baby? Making sure my marriage wasn't falling apart? Keeping myself sane? Maybe the medical check-ups that followed? Or was it the emotions of my mother-in-law? All I know was that I was my last priority in my most vulnerable state.

BUT I can't just blame my parents in law fully. They didn't know what I was feeling, they just did what they thought was the culturally correct way to treat me. My husband however, the man that was meant to be my advocate and my support, saw it all and LET it happen. Punjabi Mothers and their sons hey?

He was made to choose; his mother or what was right, and unfortunately his mother always won. Regardless of whether he agreed or not, his mother ruled because he was made to feel like a bad son if he did anything other than comply. It was easier to hurt me and us than to put up with the wrath of his mother.

This cultural expectation stopped me from being a wife to my husband to help him grieve.

It stopped my husband being a partner to me to help me grieve.

It stopped me from being my parents' daughter.

Ultimately, it stopped us being a mother and father that had just lost their child…we just became a son and daughter in law.

There are no words for the pain of losing a child... but we come to terms with the loss because in the end we understand it. However, the pain inflicted on you by cultural expectations, that is preventable, that is in our control, and that is what needs to change.