Welcome to Himmat Collective, a place for the Punjabi Community to share their story around fertility and loss. We believe that everyone's journey is different, but we can all connect somehow.
Today's blog is from Mena, a mother of 3, and a mother in law who has watched her son and daughter in law go through their fertility journey.
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" Every parent looks forward to becoming a grandparent, especially when it's the FIRST grandchild. It's the time in your life when you can spoil them, and give your time and affection.
So when we found out our son and daughter in law were expecting a baby, we were so incredibly excited. I remember the moment they told me, my entire being filled with excitement at the prospect of a new addition to our family. It was going to be amazing. We were so conscious of my daughter in law doing too much, constantly reminding her to sit down and relax. We were thrilled with the thought that in 9 months, our new grandchild would arrive!
The Pregnancy
Everything was going perfect for the first 5 weeks until there was some bleeding. 5 weeks later, a private scan confirmed the worst. Our kids worst fears came true as they were told they had a missed miscarriage. A scan confirmed there was no heartbeat, and we were patiently waiting for them to come home to give us good news. It was completely the opposite. As we opened the door, we saw that they were upset and immediately we knew something was wrong. Eyes that left the house filled with excitement and hope, returned to us with fear of what was to come. At that moment, our world came tumbling down and in that instant, as a parent, I pushed my feelings to one side as I knew I had to be there for my kids.
What happened next
I knew that I had to get my children through this difficult time so I didn't have the time to grieve the loss of my grandchild. I sat with them both and talked through their feelings, my son was quieter, more reserved and thought he had to be there for his wife, he had to be her strength in this heart wrenching time. I told them about my own loss, something I had never spoken about until this time, because I was brought up to just get on with it. So I guess I never really had the chance to grieve my own loss, but right now it was more important for me to be the strength for my family.
Following the first miscarriage, a few months later my daughter in law had her second miscarriage in June 2020. An early pregnancy loss. Immediately I went into 'Mum Mode' and for the second time, I tried to help them through this difficult time. As a mum, you naturally put your children first, you automatically go into protection mode, meaning your own feelings get pushed aside. I just knew I needed to be strong for them.
Looking back, and even now, my heart aches. Mostly for my daughter in law and my son, but also for the babies that now rest among the stars. I felt helpless, seeing them both in so much pain and knowing that there was nothing I could do to take that pain away. I watched them grieve for their two babies and as a Mum, my heart broke each time.
In Asian families, loss is not talked about, but I didn't want that for my children. I had been the person who had gone through miscarriage and had no one to talk to about it so I didn't want that for my daughter in law and son. I wanted them to talk openly about their experience, and this was the reason I opened up about my own miscarriage. I understand the exact feelings that my daughter in law was going through. I knew the various emotions of anger, pain, disappointment and heartache.
Where are we now
Losing our first grandchild was devastating for us and as much as I wanted to be a grandma, and still do someday, my children will always come first. This journey of watching the ones you love most go through loss while knowing there is nothing you can do to take the pain away is hard and upsetting at times, but I am a firm believer that Waheguru has put these obstacles in their path for a reason and for what may come will be with Waheguru Ji's blessings.
I will always stand by my children's side on this journey and will be their strength. I will always give them my full support and my unconditional love. Our family believes in supporting one another and we will always be here for them, no matter where the journey takes us. I hope they both know how much we love them and that one day our grandchildren will be with us.
For anyone going through loss, sharing your story is the bravest thing you can do.
Mena x"
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