Welcome to Himmat Collective, a place for the Punjabi Community to share their story around fertility and loss. We believe that everyone's journey is different, but we can all connect somehow.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I’m Kirren and I am a mother to my little angel Keerat Kaur Sira who was born sleeping. I’m sharing this blog to help anyone out there going through this feeling alone, to educate people on how it feels and what it looks like to lose a baby, and most importantly to highlight this is happening to people every day in our community.
After 3 years of trying for a baby, a failed IVF attempt and multiple fertility issues, I was so ready to give up trying. So, we did, and everything we had put on hold including holidays, new job roles and moving to a new house began to take over. I left the organisation I worked for and moved to another bank, booked a holiday to Kenya and within three months of all of that I fell pregnant naturally. I was so excited but nervous all the same. I suffered with horrendous morning sickness and I was bleeding frequently throughout my pregnancy; unfortunately, my workplace was just not supportive at all. Every time I turned up to the maternity ward, they would sigh, and I would get the same speech; “Kirren, stop panicking, everything's fine, heartbeat is present, and baby is fine!” I just spent every day panicking and worried something was going to go wrong because I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact it happened naturally.
Roll on to the 5-month scan when we found out we were expecting a little girl. She was so active and made us laugh all the way through. In fact, me and my husband have the best memory, it was when the nurse was confirming the sex and our little girl spread her legs wide open for the scan to show I’m a girl, here I am. I ended up with thousands of pictures because she just loved the camera. We left the hospital that day ecstatic. We shared the news with everyone, and everyone just couldn’t wait to meet her. We honestly felt like we knew her already. The following two weeks, I enjoyed feeling her kick (she was BIG for 5 months) and we started to play different songs to see what she liked to move around to. Unfortunately, Backstreet Boys didn’t do it for her, my husband won, and it was pure bhangra that she loved. I made CDs for my car specifically to the music she liked to roll around to and we started buying all the things you don’t need but you saw an Instagram post swearing it was necessary. I gave in to all my cravings and a Greggs sausage roll and a caramel donut became breakfast, lunch and dinner. She liked to sleep in the day and keep me awake all night long but I loved it. I felt all the worry disappear now I could feel her.
I remember having my cousin over for lunch on June 02nd 2019 and I had a lovely day which just felt normal. My husband was on the early shift so he went to bed at 7pm and I just ate the leftovers because I was pregnant, and I can.
In the evening about 8pm I started to experience cramping, but I thought to myself I shouldn't worry, and kept remembering what the nurses had said. I got into bed and tried to sleep but sure enough these cramps kept coming and going, and the only way to explain them is sort of like period cramps but they got stronger. It got to the point where I couldn’t control the pain and I was in agony. I burst into tears and remember switching the light on when my husband jumped out of bed. He could see how much pain I was in and we went straight to the hospital. When I got there, I was asked to explain the pain and I just kept saying I have pain in my stomach, but it kept coming and going so they could only see my distress once a cramp had come back. They called a doctor who thought my appendix may have burst but I started cramping in front of him, and he could see the level of pain I was in so he wanted to make sure our baby was ok. We listened to her heartbeat and it was normal.
A doctor was then called in to do an examination. After she examined me, she immediately left the room. I then had the most unbearable cramp, and I was crying in agony. At this point, my husband rushed outside to ask why they weren’t helping me, what was going on, and why the doctor left the room.
The doctor came back in with a nurse and she explained to my husband that my waters were trying to break and that it may be too late to apply a stitch to stop them breaking. All this pain was contractions but I didn’t know, I didn’t expect contractions at 5 and a half months pregnant! The second the doctor went to find the nurse, me and my husband were completely alone; that's when my waters broke and I screamed. My husband leapt up and called the doctor and the next thing I remember is a nurse holding my hand looking me straight in the eye, explaining my waters have broken, I’m going to give birth today and I needed to be strong.
I was then being wheeled into a birthing suite and I just sobbed. I got to the delivery suite and the nurse sat with me and my husband and explained our daughters lungs were not fully formed and that she wouldn’t make it. They explained that if I heard her voice once she was born, we needed to understand that she wasn’t going to make it. I remember them putting the machine on my belly so we could listen to her heartbeat and she was so calm.
I think her calmness sprung me and my husband into action and I don’t know what came over us, but we decided there would be no screaming. These were the last sounds she was ever going to hear so we agreed we would be brave. I refused the epidural, because I wanted to feel her as much as I could, and I stuck to gas and air. We began to chant “Waheguru Simran” which simply means remembering God and I wanted to be calm, I wanted her to know where she was going and that was to be with God.
Labour felt like it would never end, and she remained calm with her heart beating until the moment I finally pushed her out. She was born on 3rd June 2019 at 06:55am weighing 408g. She was so long, her hands and fingers were long and she had a huge bum. She literally looked just like her dad. The nurses whose shifts were due to end didn’t leave; they stayed and joined in chanting “Waheguru Simran”. My husband cut the cord and they asked if I would like to hold the baby. I said no. I don’t know what happened to me, but I looked at her and I said no. My husband asked for her and he kept her on his chest, skin to skin, whilst I don’t know what came over me. I asked to shower and went into the adjoining bathroom. I think I didn’t want to hold her because I didn’t want to believe this was real. I couldn’t register that this was just her body and her soul had left and I think holding her would have made it feel too real that she was gone and all that was left behind was the vessel her soul was carried in.
We were fortunate enough to be able to stay in a bereavement room for a week with a cuddle cot to keep her cold and we were assigned a specialist bereavement midwife. I had to take tablets to stop my milk coming in and honestly the next few weeks were just horrendous. I’m afraid that is to the extent I can share because the aftermath was completely miserable, awful, and confusing and I think I’ve chosen to push those memories into a place I can’t access. I’m hoping to do a video blog to go into the detail because if I’m honest the reason I shutdown at this point is because this is where the community, the societal pressures, the all-knowing aunties took over.
I’m sharing our story for anyone who has been through or knows someone who has been through this so they can finally resonate and know they are not alone. If you would like to talk on the back of this, please do reach out to me.
In terms of baby loss awareness, the advice I can share is that if you want to get involved and help,
STOP asking women when they are having babies.
STOP saying the clock is ticking,
STOP assuming pregnancy is something every woman wants to talk about.
Losing a baby is stupidly common and when I lost a baby, I didn’t want to hear you’ll have another or there will be a next time. I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted strength around me. Don’t forget about the father who has also lost a child and the most thoughtful gestures I had were donations to The Lily Mae Foundation, which works to help grieving parents, providing cuddle cots and just being there to help us work through the next steps.
Please don’t feel obliged but I have included the link for the JustGiving page if anyone would like to donate.
The Sira Family is fundraising for The Lily Mae Foundation (justgiving.com) In loving memory of Keerat Kaur Sira.
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